My gift!

I realized something today and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Death damaged my relationship with God. Now, death is bringing me back to God. My baby girl is bringing me back to God. My baby girl was and is nothing but a gift. I just can't comprehend why she was taken from me. Would I have gone back to God if she were alive? Did she die so I would be with God again? It was nobody's choice, but it feels like His plan. But it makes me wonder about the different possibilities, the what-ifs. But that's not reality, this is. The fact is Elizabeth gave me, us, so much. She made me a mother and she brought me back to God. She gave me life again. I wholeheartedly believe in the Eucharist. I wholeheartedly believe the Eucharist is Christ. There is so much peace and beauty. I am so grateful that I am back again. I am so grateful that I cam out of the fire close to God again. I could pray and read the bible, but its not the same . Its not the same as sitting here in front of Jesus. I was so afraid I lost my passion and this piece of me forever. There is no doubt God is healing my broken heart. He will leave the scar, so I always remember though. Even though there is so much pain, Elizabeth was a gift. She is a gift. I am still learning about all the ways she was/is special. Losing her will always, always, always hurt but there is now a little peace, a little joy. When I think of her now there won't only be loss. Now, I see all her life gave!

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Loss Changes You

Image
My Daughter Elizabeth In my profile I mention that I am a mother. This is true, but my baby girl was a stillbirth. It is amazing how this changed me. I found out on September 26, 2017 that my baby's heart wasn't beating any more. On September 28, 2017 I delivered my baby. I am grateful that it was a very easy delivery. I cannot imagine if it was long and painful. Having lost her was enough pain. It is still painful. After she was born, I held her as much as possible. Everyone needs different things, but that is what I needed. I am always afraid of scrolling on Facebook now. A lot of my friends are pregnant or have kids now. It is hard to look at what they post. It is a reminder of what I have lost. I have also posted though about how much her life gave me though. There are positives and negatives to every situation in life. I am happy for my friends, but it still stings. Fibromyalgia and pregnanc...
Read more

How I cope

Image
Some days I don't know how I get through the day. I have fibromyalgia and I deal with daily stressors. I could go on but nobody wants to hear how hard my life is. Everyone wants to know how to survive it. I don't have a perfect answer, but nobody will. I just focus on taking it one step at a time. I journal if I can. It always helps to express myself. Journaling isn't the only way. The other things that have personally really helped me are: o     Journaling ·          Journaling is my favorite way to express myself. It is easy to feel alone in this world. Journaling is a way to get it out. I don't have to worry about other people judging me because I can keep it for myself, if I choose to. A lot of the times I want to share my experiences though. Journaling is a safe haven for me. o     Knitting ·          My Nana taught me how to knit when I was younger. Th...
Read more

Working with Fibro

Image
It's definitely not easy but it helps that I have a meaningful job. I work at a day program for disabled adults. It is great because I get to go to movies and different awesome places and get paid for it.   Passion : it feels good to know that I am making a difference, especially through social connections. The participants have limitations too. They worry about being judged and being treated differently. The participants form bonds with the staff, change is hard for everyone, especially them. Even if someone misses a day, they notice. They notice the little things. They need stability in their life. That makes me feel needed and makes it worth it! The Struggle is Real : Working with fibro sucks. It is hard. So what I do to get through it? Remind myself I am a badass: Every fibro fighter is a badass, whether you have a job or not. Living with chronic pain is hard and it takes its toll on you. It's not only the physical toll it takes. It drains you emotionally. It makes ...
Read more