Loss Changes You

In my profile I mention that I am a mother. This is true, but my baby girl was a stillbirth. It is amazing how this changed me. I found out on September 26, 2017 that my baby's heart wasn't beating any more. On September 28, 2017 I delivered my baby. I am grateful that it was a very easy delivery. I cannot imagine if it was long and painful. Having lost her was enough pain. It is still painful. After she was born, I held her as much as possible. Everyone needs different things, but that is what I needed.

I am always afraid of scrolling on Facebook now. A lot of my friends are pregnant or have kids now. It is hard to look at what they post. It is a reminder of what I have lost. I have also posted though about how much her life gave me though. There are positives and negatives to every situation in life. I am happy for my friends, but it still stings.

At 16 weeks, I was so impressed because I stopped my fibromyalgia medication when I found out I was pregnant. I had heard there's a break from the fibromyalgia symptoms because of all the hormones, but I didn't believe it. I still had itching from fibromyalgia and discomforts.

My morning sickness was a roller coaster. There was no rhyme or reason. Eating slow gave me time to decide whether or not it was a good idea to keep eating.

One thing that I found surprising is that nasal congestion is a symptoms of pregnancy due to the hormones.

My Papaw passed away February 2015. Like me, he was Catholic. He was even in the seminary for a year (where you go to become a priest). He was my confirmation sponsor. We went to church together a lot. I cherish these memories. It's hard because he is the first person I have lost close to me and I would say he was one of my closest family members, if not the closest. Our faith was the thing we connected on the most. But, after he passed I really started to question my faith and unfortunately I haven't completely gotten past this. Losing my Papaw changed my view on the Catholic church. It makes me feel bad because that is not what my Papaw would want. I need to remember how to see those memories as they really are. They are precious moments.

Looking at quotes on Pinterest about loss helped me the most. I helped remind me that I am not alone. Seeing a quote that explained how I felt helped. My lock screen on my phone is still the same. That is because it is a quote that I connect with and helps me.

I carried you every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine.

I also made a Twitter account and used it to write about my girl. I wrote notes to her such as There are no words to express how much I want miss, and love you. This may seem like a unique way to cope but it helped a lot to put my thoughts and emotions out there to the world.

Honor them! On Elizabeth's' due date my husband and I had a family dinner and lit Chinese lanterns. It didn't work out as well as we planned. Doing something special to honor helped. It was wonderful to have a special memory and connect with family on such a sad day.

Worth it!